Embracing Our Inner Web Stat
People, what is it with you?
You could google and stumble across our site because of our comet truffles, or our checkered ravioli, or at the very least The Cat’s lamentations of dairy dessert denied.
But no. You stumble here — as our sad stats tell us — for one reason above all others. You stumble here because we have a
MESSY KITCHEN.
That’s right. “Messy kitchen” is our number one search string result. And not by a nose either. It beats out “belly timber” at number two by a substantial margin. What is up with that? Are messy kitchens so rare that visitors must come to gawk?
Oh very well. If you must, we will accommodate.
First off, let me point out that the messy kitchen in our introductory post, is not our current kitchen. That kitchen belongs to the house we used to live in when we lived in Portland, and I assure you, I’m confident that it’s not nearly as messy now as it was then.
That’s not to say we don’t have a messy kitchen now. This time though, we’ve got an excuse. Don’t believe me? Here, take a look:
That’s the kitchen. And I mean the whole kitchen. Three steps to the left and you’re in the bathroom. Walk toward the camera and you hit the dining room table.
To better illustrate the utter chaos that is our messy kitchen, I have created this fine work of digital art. Okay, I’ve drawn badly on the photo. Read on to revel in our daily battles and chortle at our culinary misfortunes.
2. This is the microwave. There are things in front of it. There are always things in front of it. To use the microwave, one must liberate counter space elsewhere so that one can move the things and then open the door. One gets very cranky when things appear in front of the microwave while food is inside.
3. This is one of six shelves. It is unclear whether these shelves are for dishes or for food. Right now, they are for both. The dividing line between tea boxes, honey containers, and clean glassware is rather vague, but no one’s poured juice into a tin of Earl Grey. Yet.
4. Another shelf. I’m not entirely sure what’s in that basket. I hope it’s nothing edible that’s gone bad.
5. Above the fridge, we have pot and pan storage. And plastic ware storage. And a spot for the salad spinner. And I think that’s a mixing bowl in back. I’d probably use it, if I could reach it.
6. That’s the rice cooker. Behind it is the coffee maker. Behind that, is the toaster. Woe to anyone who wishes to make rice, coffee, and toast all at the same time.
7. I have no idea if storing grains and dried peppers in glass jars in a window is a good idea. I don’t care. It’s that or a closet.
8. Oh look! More shelves! These shelves are just for dishes. Unfortunately, they are the only shelves just for dishes, and they are rather crowded. And a bit dusty. And sometimes food ends up there if we need to place it out of reach of The Cat.
9. This is an electrical outlet. It’s one of three (the third being so hard to reach it’s never used). This one runs the blender, the food processor, the can opener, and the clock radio, all of which live on the counter next to the sink. Yes, there’s a sink over there somewhere!
10. I think that’s a small appliance. Or maybe it’s another pan. There’s a mortar and pestle in that mess somewhere too. Oh, and paper towels for cleaning off the counter. Wait a sec… we have a counter? Who knew?
11. The burner under this pot hardly ever works.
12. The burner under this tea kettle never works.
13. This burner works!
14. This burner used to be really annoying and slide out of place all the time, but we fixed it. Now we rejoice in having a stove that is more than 50% functional!
15. Cupboards. Yes, they face the dining area. They contain cereal and baking ingredients, and are impossible to get to if anyone is sitting at the dining room table. Okay, I exaggerate. Not impossible, but we have to whine to make people move out of the way.
16. And for tonight’s meal, Madame, straight from our counter “wine rack,” Carlo Rossi’s fine burgundy, by the gallon.
17. Is that a cutting board? Why yes it is! Sometimes we’re even able to clear it off so we can cut things. For really big meals, we’ve got a second, smaller board that I use on the dining room table. You can’t see it in this picture because I usually store it in the corner. On the floor. Until someone trips over it, and then it gets moved and I have to search for it again. Yes that’s a dog brush at the front of the counter. Don’t ask.
18. Bags-o-trash, because there’s never enough room under the sink. We have to be careful though: Platelicker hasn’t quite grasped the distinction between “bags-o-trash” and “bags-o-gross-slimy-stuff-for-dogs-to-play-with.”
Now, just so you don’t think we’re completely screwed, we do have this lovely additional pot and pan storage area:
Ahem. Yes, that’s the dining area’s window seat. Just, ignore that. Go about your business.
Oh, and look! We have a pantry!
Well, sort of a pantry. More of an alcove, really. But it’s got shelves and the shelves have food on them, so that counts, right? To bad about that pesky hot water heater in the back taking up all that room, eh?
So, I know what you’re probably all thinking. You’re thinking “You have a kitchen like that and you write a food blog? Are you people INSANE?”
Well, if you have to ask…
In all seriousness though, we do intend to do something about this calamitous crisis of space. No, we won’t be knocking out any walls or putting in additional cabinets. We will be expanding the old fashioned way. We will turn the clock back to frontier-style living and make use of the great outdoors.
That’s right. Meet our new kitchen annex:
The Messy Porch: Future home of pot and pan storage and a brand new chest freezer!
Filed under: kitchen photos and, of course, holy crap what a freakin’ disaster.
Miz D,
My heart aches for you. Really. I’d forgotten just how good I have it: http://seriouslygood.kdweeks.com/2005/10/kevins-kitchen.html
Ah, so it is a new post and new kitchen. I think, yes I read through and found the stove. I say, Nicely Done. It’s a work of art and now preserved for all time. Congrats!
Oh, my number one search string is Fried Chicken. Heh.
Well, see, there’s your problem right there, in the pantry. An extra rice cooker. Get rid of that space hog and your problems are solved.
Glad to be of help.
Wow…I don’t know what to say, except that I hope you purposefully messed up your kitchen some for the benefit of this post. (Which was brilliant, by the way.) I’d lose my sanity after 24 hours near that space!
(Not to sound too superior, however, as there is a very vivid picture in my mind of the day that I complained to my husband, Dave, “I’m so sick and tired of having to clean our carpets with a shoe!” Our vacuum cleaner had broken and for several months the only method I had for picking up dog hair was running the rubber sole of a shoe over the carpet. Don’t even ask about whatever might have been on the floor that wasn’t being picked up by the shoe.)
ducks head in shame…I have a real kitchen. It has some space and a fancy schmancy six burner stove. But very little counter space since it appears to have been made for early-twentieth-century-tiny-people.
But I did do a lot of work for that kitchen like laying a tile floor and painting and removing doors and sheetrocking and putting in ductwork and stuff like that.
and – also a total failure – my highest search term by far is tomatilla
Kevin: I curse you. No, really. Watch your back. :-P
Thanks, Biggles. We aim to please. Found the stove, but did ya find the dishwasher? Hint: It’s the person with soapy hands standing right out of shot.
Dang, cookiecrumb, do you have to solve everything?
Alice, sad to say, nothing was purposefully messed. We will, however be taking “after” pictures once we’ve set up our Messy Porch Kitchen Annex. The shoe story is hilarious, by the way!
Owen, no need to hide in shame. I should explain that this place is (almost) entirely not our fault. Or rather, it’s our fault that we’re here as we took it upon ourselves to be caregivers for my parents, and it’s our fault that the kitchen is cluttered, as most of that stuff is ours… but the kitchen itself came with the house, and the house, not being ours, is entirely not our fault. We have, however, considered knocking a wall or two out, but I don’t think that would go over too well with the parental management. :-)
Well, I’m feelling much better. My kitchen is also small and dumping stuff on top of the counters is a habit I cannot seem to break, no matter how often I promise myself I will. Hopefully one day!
I laughed out loud when I read this. So many memories of kitchens like that. Now I have a great kitchen, and you inspired me to post some photos of it. I am seriously spoiled, but remember, I had to teach school for a long time to get the great kitchen I have now. (And I am never going to reveal just exactly HOW LONG.)
Welcome to our club, Ana. Membership badges are on the counter… somewhere under the large pile of utensils!
Kalyn: Ah, now I see the problem. I should have been a teacher. What was I thinking all these years?
My kitchen was, and still is in a sort of mess too.
And that’s a big water heater!! (we’d love to have one like that, ours is too tiny)
hahaha..I really still must laugh loudly, this is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read. If there will be some kind of nomination for this category, I will vote for it with 100points.
I like to cook alone, so in your kitchen I certainly wouldn’t have that kind of problems:).
And after this post I’m sure from now on even more people will come because of your messy kitchen:)
yay! This makes me feel so much better. My kitchen is perpetually cluttered (not quite to this state, but sometimes it’s close), and I perpetually feel as though I should clean it up. Sometimes I do. And sometimes I clean one spot on the counter to take pictures for my blog.
You’ve now removed my guilt from me.
Bless you!
This post makes me love you even more. For so many reasons. I have always thought it would be fun to see the kitchens of other bloggers — I hope this starts a trend.
I just marvel at your kitchen and the fact that you can produce beauties like this and like this. Seeing “where it all happens” makes you more of a miracle woman than I already thought you were.
Love your kitchen. It is well used! ;-)
Paz
Miz D,
“I curse you. No, really.”
I’ve been cursed by bigger men than you are, which, given you’re not a man, probably isn’t saying a lot.
Hey Jean: actually the water heater’s not too big. The water tank next to it is big, which is a good thing — we’ve got well water, run from an electric pump so if the electricity ever goes out, we still have some amount of back-up.
Zsofi, thank you — I love to hear that we’ve made people laugh!
Shauna… you are absolved. :-) (Oh, and about the photo taking thing? Counter space? Hah. I take my photos next to the living room window on a sheet of white poster board that sits on top of a stereo speaker. How’s that for improv!
Aw, Jen you’re too sweet, but Chopper’s the real miracle worker since he does most of the cooking. If I tried to squeeze in there while he was at work, I’d just knock crap over.
Paz: “Well used.” Hee! I think you just won the “best euphemism of the comment thread” prize!
Kevin. Stop that. I’m drinking tea and this is a new keyboard.
Oh my Gosh…I haven’t laughed this hard in while. Great pix, great posts. I think you’re great just for posting the pix, maybe I’ll try a recipe or two, now. This was my first visit, but I’ll be back.
P.S. I came to you from another blog – not a google search.
I finally got mine cleaned and posted, but I did put in a minor homage to you two.
I want to know what the bumper sticker on the fridge says.
Thanks, michelle! Now if we can just get the durn place clean and post “after” pics…
Hey Kitchenmage! We like homages. Thanks! Now, about that bumpersticker. I’d tell ya, but then we’d be outed for the evil lefty rabble-rousin’ radicals we are. Oh, very well then… It’s one of them “Somewhere in Texas There’s a Village Missing an Idiot” stickers.
Ahem. Just a sec. There’s some men in dark suits and shades at the door… gotta run…
You know, if you got a hangy pot rack thing you might be able to reclaim a lot of space.
Ah, if only… Alas, low kitchen ceiling + silly hangy lights + even sillier cross beam above stove + 6′5″ Chopper = no chance of hangy pot rack thing.
Nah, we’ll do a hangy pot rack thing out on the porch. It’ll be cool. It’ll sound like giant, obnoxious wind chimes.
LOL, what a fabulous post to end the night with! First of all, I don’t know what a search string is, but I will admit I linked here from Kitchen Mage ’cause she said you had a messy kitchen and I wanted to see if anybody had a worse kitchen than I do. Okay, you don’t. Just take my word for it because there is absolutely NOTHING that will get me to post a picture of my kitchen on the internet. Secondly, I have something that will hopefully ease your worries just a tad: if anybody even attempted to make coffee, rice, and whatever the third thing was (oh wait, I remember! toast!) at the same time, they would undoubtedly blow a fuse, so you can forget about that being a potential problem.
Now, how else can I help? Ah yes. The porch expansion. Does is make you feel any better to know that we have THREE giant chest freezers on our porch–and another two located 100 feet across the farmyard in the shop/bread bakery to be/new living quarters to be? Porches are the best! I even have a cat living on ours. I never thought to hang pots out there, though. You are brilliant! The wind would knock off the perpetual dust! Well, I can see you need no more help from me. I’m in over my head. Thanks again for this incredibly entertaining post. And I hope your string (or whatever it was) gets better. : )
P.S. I can’t stand it when I put something in front of the microwave when I’m in the middle of microwaving something. . .
P.P.S. Just checking photos again. Oh hell, you’ve got it made. Our hats (AND jackets) hang IN the kitchen. At least you have relegated them to the pantry. Honey, you don’t know how good you got it! : )
P.P.P.S. Yeah, I’m still here. And if you really want to feel better, all you have to do is remind yourself that if the exact rooms in which you live were located in NYC, not only would you be paying like ninety thousand dollars a month to live in them, but you would be thrilled to have the privilege, AND you would be sharing the space with cockroaches! (Believe me, the New York comparison thing works really, really well.)
Farmgirl? What? Your kitchen’s worse than ours? Say Not So! (Must. Resist. Temptation. To. Demand. Proof. Must. Resist… gah… aw c’mon. please please? You can photograph one of your cats and just leave the messy kitchen all blurry in the background…)
Three chest freezers? I will cry now. ::sobs horribly:: We will settle for one. Soon. Very soon. I am in Serious Chest Freezer Coveting Mode. It’s a seasonal thing, I think.
As for the pots and pans on the porch: I got the idea from Star Trek. I kid you not.
And yeah, good point about NYC. I am just not a big city person. At all. Well unless it’s a really cool big city, like Vancouver BC, and I can live just outside of it, like on a mountainside or something. Oh, and go to work via sky tram.
As for the pots and pans on the porch: I got the idea from Star Trek. I kid you not.
Ummm, as I recall, there were no porches on the Enterprise…?
Yo, Kitchenmage. Not exactly a porch, and not on the Enterprise, but: Episode #4, Mudd’s Women. Eve scolds her annoying mining colony husband about the pots and pans: “Why don’t you hang them outside and let the sand blast them clean?”
I wrote that all from memory, by the way.
Okay. I lied. I had to look up the episode number.
Could I be any more of a geek? I didn’t think so.
Capt Kirk here…
Where to begin… First, had you known the episode number, you would have been a bigger geek. Secondly, the porch on the Enterprise was just beyond the screen door, as all good porches should be. Thirdly, meine Frau and I have the opposite problem with der kitchen. The house is 114 years old, and the original kitchen is largish, and has a butler’s pantry. The problem is that there were no cabients in the kitchen at all, and no drawers either. So, I’m guessing about 160sq feet of nothing, really, except nice birch flooring. We’re thinking about renovating, and have actually hired an architect, and if I was only employed, we’d be able to pay for it all.
Will keep an eye on your blog for signs of progress, and will likely post updates on any progress we ever make as well. Now I have to go see what the most common search strings are for my blog, as I I knew how to figure out how to do that.
Kirk Out!
Almost forgot… I have to turn off Zone Alarm to view any of your pictures. Likely a cookie thing. Very annoying.
Kirk Out!
Ah, Kirk, my old friend… How could I forget all those lazy afternoons, McCoy sitting out on the Enterprise porch sipping mint juleps and swatting space flies…
My apologies for the picture viewing. It may very well be the anti-hotlinking script I’ve got on my server, though I’ve not heard of it doing such pesky things before.
The bedroom at the previous Casa Belly Timber sounds much like your kitchen: No closet. We went the wardrobe from IKEA route. The house had clearly been built back in the era when rooms were empty shells and everyone just hauled all their storage furniture around with them.
I think I had to turn on web bugs or private headers in Zone ALarm to get your pictures to work.
Update: Mrs D here to say, piccie issues are all fixed, but I’ve had to turn off comments on many old posts due to comment spam.