For Audrey
My dearest, sweetest kitten,
I’m going to tell the truth.
To the blogging world, you were the ever cynical, ever snarky, furball-hating Angry Cat, but to me, you were always Audrey. Dear, sweet, little Audrey, the best kitten in the world, and I want the world to know.
I remember many years ago — many in human years, even! — when you first adopted me. You were a scared little thing, hiding in furnace ducts, certain I wouldn’t understand your dread fear of doorways and brooms. I loved your funny little tail, kinked a full quarter angle at the end, and your cracked maa – aaaa of a meow, which, if Dad were here, he’d insist I write phonetically — mæʔæ — just because. We had a different house then, and you had a brother, long lost now. I miss him too.
When we were losing Dad, you sat by his pillow like a temple guardian and soothed him with purrs. When Dad was gone, his pillow became your bed, and Mom became your constant companion, and for that she loved you, even when you typed silly nothings across her keyboard.
Oh kitten, these last days were rough for you, I know. Losing eyesight, and strength, breath, all of it slipping away so sudden when before this time we’d never fought anything more fierce than a hairball or an occasional pack of fleas. 
I suppose, in those final hours, you were indeed Angry Cat, angry at your ancient, failing body, angry you couldn’t speak and tell me exactly what to do to ease your pain. And me, your miserable, inadequate human, could only reach back to memories of Dad and bring the same small comfort I knew from before; a drop of water, a warm blanket, a song sung quiet in your ear.
You are my Audrey, my only Audrey.
You make me happy, when skies are gray.
You’ll never know, cat, how much I love you…
Sweet, silly, broken-voiced cat, I once had a crazy notion you’d live forever. Those nine lives of yours outlasted so many others – cats, fish, our dear little guinea pig, and even crazy Elvis the mini rex who once chased you up the plum tree. (Yes, my Audrey, I do have to tell the truth – you were never as tough as your alter-ego. Me neither.)
And now, little one, I have another secret to share. It’s a vision and it goes like this: I see a rocking chair on a weathered porch on a warm island day. And a lap – Dad’s lap – and the best little tabby in the world, perched, regal as a temple guardian. She raises her chin for a skritching, this magnificent cat, and Dad obliges. And then he sings to her, and she sings to him — mæʔæ — and no one, not anywhere, is angry.
xxox
Your devoted human,
MizD robin
End Note: Dave and Mishka and I wish everyone the best for the new year, and we hope there are indeed new beginnings on the horizon. 2006 was a rough one. May 2007 take us beyond choppy waters and deadly shoals and out into the tranquil sea. Peace to all.
(See more Weekend Cat Blogging over at Lisa’s Champaign Taste and give all your kittens extra skritches for me!)
December 31st, 2006 at 5:21 pm
As soon as my eyes dry, I’m going to give my little Jasmine a few extra skritches.
Farewell, Audrey. You were well loved, and in the end, that is best thing that can be said about anyone.
December 31st, 2006 at 6:50 pm
Oh, Robin, I’m so sorry. Your post had me in tears. I updated the roundup post and I hope some people will still see it. Your evocation of loss — and hope — was so moving. As I said in my update, I had just been thinking about how it seems like we need to grieve for losses at the new year before we move on to celebrating the things to come. Because the losses are real, and we need to honor them.
I wish you comfort and peace at this most difficult time, and many good times in the year to come.
December 31st, 2006 at 6:57 pm
I’m so sorry to hear the news–what love and what loss. I hope you are warm, cozy, and comforted together as we usher in the new year. Here’s looking forward to tranquil seas.
December 31st, 2006 at 8:13 pm
Amy, many thanks, and please give your beautiful temple guardian Jasmine many extra skritches for me!
Lisa, thank you so much and thank you for your kind round-up update. As is apparent– I hope — in my words, one loss translates to another, and Audrey’s final days brought me back to my Dad and granted me the grieving time I was unable to find when I lost him.
Thank you, tea. We are warm and cozy — though about to venture out into the night to see friends we haven’t seen in two years. Here’s to tomorrow and to tranquility!
December 31st, 2006 at 9:51 pm
Oh Robin, I’m so sad for your loss of Audrey, especially coming as it has only months after your father’s death.
Samantha, my feline companion of 19 years, died several months after my husband Paul was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. She had been his constant companion during the period when he was adapting to the drug regimen. When she died, I grieved not only for her, but for Paul’s illness and the uncertain future we faced.
As I sit here, with tears in my eyes and a huge lump in my throat, I am reminded again that grief is a process. Thank you for sharing yours so eloquently.
Wishing you, Dave and Mishka much joy, health, love and peace in 2007.
December 31st, 2006 at 11:20 pm
What a beautiful tribute. My own special cat is almost at the same place, and I dread the day when she breathes her last. Wishing you peace in the new year.
January 1st, 2007 at 6:56 am
Miz D,
I know how that hurts. To paraphrase Kipling, It’s the human’s burden, to see such beloved companions go.
January 1st, 2007 at 9:02 am
Meow. I am missing Angry Cat - Audrey already. Oh MizD, I am sad to have to say goodbye to such a loved kitty. Today, I will be sure to chase a ribbon in the memory of Angry cat - Sweet Audrey. Meow MizD, Thank you for taking such wonderful loving care of an excellent kitty. I wish you peace dear human.
January 1st, 2007 at 9:58 am
ohshitshitshitshitshit.
That really hurts. I’m so sorry for you.
Goodbye, Angry Kaga.
HappIER New Year, Miz D, Chopper and the pooch. Warm hugs for all.
Happy Year!
January 1st, 2007 at 11:05 am
Oh, Robin, thank you for sharing that so beautifully and eloquently. I have tears in my eyes remembering when my own sweet dog went through the same thing. Only good things in 2007 and I send you only the warmest wishes. Allow yourself to grieve and have a considerably better 2007.
January 1st, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I’m ever so sorry to hear about the poor little Audrey. You must be stricken by this sad loss. It must hurt terribly to see your beloved kitty go in such a way…
I loved everything about The Angry Cat and will miss her.
I hope that 2007 will bring you joy and happiness!
January 2nd, 2007 at 12:51 am
Kimberly, many thanks for sharing your story. I bet Samantha was a perfect temple guardian.
Thank you, Kathy. I hope your kitty’s last days will be peaceful. For us it was difficult – Audrey was clearly in distress – but we were able to stay with her through to the end, which was more important to me than anything.
Kitikta-san, please give your human many extra snuggles for me, and happy ribbon-chasing!
Thank you, Cookie. Paper Chef will never be the same for us without Kitty Kaga.
Lady A, yes, here’s hoping for “only good,†or if not that, then most definitely “considerably better!â€
Thank you, Rosa. This was a tough one. Audrey’s been my kitty & constant companion for most of my adult life. I know we’ll get another kitty soon, but we’ll never truly replace her.
January 2nd, 2007 at 2:19 am
It’s only now, when I’m in tears, that I realise how much I loved reading angry cat’s posts. And don’t worry, we all knew that no such well loved cat could really be that angry. Your post has reminded me how much I love my little kitty and how special she is - although she doesn’t cope with that much love very well.
Thank you to angry cat and all your snarkiness, you’ve been a source of laughs and also a reminder of how important a role our kitty-cats play in our lives.
January 3rd, 2007 at 12:46 am
Aw, thanks Kathryn! I will confess, Audrey did have her Angry Cat moments, especially where Mishka was concerned, but she mellowed out in that department over the last few months. Sometimes, in fact, I wondered if the cat & dog weren’t secretly best buddies, plotting behind my back — now that would have been a curious twist.
January 3rd, 2007 at 6:46 pm
I need a tissue. I’m so sorry to read about Audrey. Losing a beloved (if not angry) pet is difficult. Thank you for sharing her with all through your blog and I will always love the picture of her with her clawed paw swiping at the camera lens.
January 3rd, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Thank you, Barbara. I love that picture too, even though it was just me being sneaky and dangling catnip-laden crumply paper by the camera lens. :-)
January 4th, 2007 at 7:49 pm
I’m so sorry about your cat - I always enjoyed seeing the pictures of her. I could tell she brought you joy!
January 5th, 2007 at 8:44 am
I’m sorry for your loss but I’m sure she’s running around in kitty heaven. It’s a lovely tribute to her. Take care and Happy New Year.
January 5th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Thank you, Tricia and Boo. There’s a scene in Babe: Pig in the City with the little doggie… I won’t say more, but I think of that scene when I think of Audrey. :-)
January 6th, 2007 at 8:03 am
I was so sorry to read about your cat this morning. Like Barbara, I need tissues too. I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now and I was sad reading about your dad, but happy that you were there for him. My father-in-law had hospice care for about 1 1/2 years because of COPD and I visited with him a lot before he died June 2006.
I wish you luck and peace in 2007. And I will still be back for your great recipes!
January 8th, 2007 at 5:35 am
Goodbye Angry Cat, you made us laugh so often, we will be missing you.