WBW#3: HOUSE: F.U.B.A.R.
(In which we welcome back the Belly Timber tradition of bringing a little Whine into your Wednesday…)
MizD: Look! Just look what they did!
Chopper: (with a heavy sigh) I know. I know.
MizD: But — But —
Chopper: You need to get it out of your system.
MizD: All of it?
Chopper: Yes. All of it.
MizD: At once? Like, maybe in a blog post?
Chopper: If it works for you, baby, then yes. In a blog post.
MizD: Hah! At last! I have a reason to bring back Whine Blogging Wednesday!
This week’s episode: House: F.U.B.A.R.
(or, what part of “no substantial changes” did the tenants not understand?)
Once upon a time, we had a cute little Victorian bungalow and it was well on its way toward restoration as a perfect and cozy sanctuary away from the grind of the workaday world. Oh, all right, maybe half on its way if Iâ€™m going to be perfectly honest about it. It still had its share of problems. Damaged floor in the bathroom, cracked window in the living room, kitchen in dire need of a makeover. But all in all, it wasnâ€™t too shabby of a little house for being almost a hundred years old, and weâ€™d put many long hours into chipping away at our Big List of House Projects.
Some of our improvements were small: A new ceiling fan for the kitchen, a new light fixture in the bathroom. And some â€“ three in particular â€“ were quite the challenge. Those three: The bathroom, the studio, and the yard.
One: The Bathroom.
Our bathroom is tiny. Seriously tiny. It is, as they say, a one-ass bathroom. Weâ€™ve yet to tackle the ugly shower walls, or the sink counter, or the floor, but we did take on the rather ominous job of painting the walls. Eh, itâ€™s a small room. No big deal, right? One gallon of paint and itâ€™s done? Hah. This place has nooks and crannies that would scare the crap out of a cockroach. Itâ€™s not just a major pain in the ass to paint, itâ€™s a major pain in the ass just to reach around the toilet tank to clean.
So, when we took on the task of scrubbing it down and prepping the walls for painting, we knew weâ€™d have to pick a good quality paint and a nice rich color that wouldnâ€™t show off every steam-laminated dog hair that clings to its surface. Seriously. Dog hair. It migrates to the bathroom like swallows to Capistrano, only by the hour, not by the year. Trust me. Iâ€™d need to be Joan Crawford on speed to keep up with that cleaning project.
We went for a coffee color and found faux antique bronze fixtures to match. The eventual plan was to redo the shower in tile of various shades of cream, brown, and black. Ditto the floor. Very cappuccino. Very au lait. (Or au soy lait, to appease my crabby digestion.)
We made it as far as the paint job and the cabinet hardware before we had to move north. Of course, that didnâ€™t stop us from further planning: Letâ€™s do something with slate so itâ€™s all dark and rustic. Letâ€™s get a clawfoot tub!
And then we came homeâ€¦
â€¦and discovered the tenants had repainted the bathroom pale blue with crappy paint and not much of an eye for staying between the lines. (I bet they suck at coloring books, too.) The hardwareâ€™s mostly still there, though blue-tipped in places, but thereâ€™s a curious absence where the sliding door to the toiletry cabinet once was.
Oh, and the dog hairs? So, so visible.
But you know what? This is nothing. This is, comparatively speaking, a weensy whine; a warm-up before part two and then the grand finale. Renters, they repaint all the time. Itâ€™s when they tear things apart and muck with the landscape that things really get interesting.
MizD: There. I whined about the bathroom.
Chopper: All out of your system yet?
MizD: Not exactly. Iâ€™ve still got the studio and the yard, and then thereâ€™s all those little thingsâ€¦ windows painted shut, mildew from the houseplantsâ€¦ I could go on and on.
Chopper: But itâ€™s Whine Blogging Wednesday, not Whine Blogging Week.
MizD: Hey. WBW. Same initials. Whoâ€™s going to notice?
Chopper: (another heavy sigh) You will have this out of your system when youâ€™re done, right?
MizD: (fingers crossed behind her back) Of course, pookie. Why would you ever doubt me? Blogging is cathartic. Iâ€™ll be just peachy dandy about the condition of the house next week.
Chopper: You will?
MizD: Absolutely! Especially if you clear all these boxes of kitchen crap out of the living room!
Chopper: Oh, yeah, that.
(In the tradition of Whine Blogging Wednesday — established in a fit of grump on July 25th, 2006 — readers are encouraged to share their whines in the comments. Bonus points for exceptionally traumatic whine and food pairings.)